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Just go back in time, become a promising actress, land a film role, score an Oscar nomination and reach out to the marketing company putting together a swag bag for this year's nominees including, you guessed it, a pelvic exercise floor tracker.

Los Angeles-based marketing firm Distinctive Assets is not in any way affiliated with the Oscars -- in fact, the Academy has sued to put a stop to this nonsense -- and there's no evidence that they're actually distributed to nominees, but that hasn't stopped them from publicizing it every year.

Items in the very unofficialAcademy Awards gift bag for 2017 total about $100,000 and are as over-the-top as ever. While this year's bag includes a few big-ticket items -- like a three-day stay at a private California mansion -- we're more interested in the stuff that's actually useful. For example:

• A tube of ChapStick

• A personal CPR kit, because you really never know!

• A customized 64-count box of Crayola crayons

• Fancy foot cream

• Underarm patches that protect your shirts from sweat stains

• Multiple cases of apples, in case you really love pie

• Just a bunch of energy bars

• "A Bangarang handmade wooden box filled with 199 cards that have positive actions and quotes," which surely serves some currently unidentifiable purpose

[H/T: Insider]

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