【2020 Archives】

There's a lot described these days as things you "can't unsee020 Archives" but I promise this is not hyperbole: Even as I type, I cannot banish from my mind the vision of that dead man's penis.

Paramount Pictures opened its Cinemacon slate presentation Tuesday night with the cast of Baywatch, who introduced a "fuscia band" trailer (that's "rated FU for 'fucking awesome'" if you must know) that you may consider skipping, depending on your ability to forget.

Spoiler alert:If you want to be surprised -- shocked? Grossed out? Impressed? -- by the Baywatchfuscia-band trailer whenever it's finally released to the public, read no further. (And if you're about to eat, you also may consider reading no further.)

So here's the setup: Mitch Buchanan (Dwayne Johnson), Matt Brody (Zac Efron) and Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) are low-key investigating the circumstances of a man's death, and have arrived in a morgue to check out his body for injuries. Mitch lifts up the cadaver's sheet and whoop!

Out pops the dead penis.

Mitch tricks the dim-witted Matt into inspecting it for "needle marks." He makes him lift it, grab it and get uncomfortably close to it, which causes him to over-describe the smells he's experiencing, all a ruse to snap a few sly photos for the sole purpose of his ultimate humiliation.

Of course at that moment, the villains arrive, and the Baywatchgang hides out in the cadaver drawers where, after a moment, some mystery goop starts dripping on Matt's face. Learning that it's "liquid fat" from a body decomposing above, he comes shooting out of the drawer -- and giving away the team.

But no amount of decomposing jelly is ever going to wash away the image of a dead man's genitals popping out on the big screen when you least expect it.

Baywatchopens May 26, when you can see it for yourself.

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